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I've been meaning to write something up for a long time now but don't know exactly what to write about. It's not the easiest thing in the world to pretend extraterrestrials don't exist. Its not easy to block them out either, which is what I have been doing all year long. But I don't really want to talk about that right now.
What I want to write down is something a little closer to home, my passions in life and my goals in life. My head is always full of goals that I want to fulfill but something usually stops me from completing them. It is not me that stops myself rather the circumstances surrounding my goal/ambition in the first place.
For example, some time ago I got the idea to make a rainforest in my neighbour's paddock. I got my neighbour's approval but just before the paddock started getting planted with actual rainforest type trees something happened. I can't discuss what happened right now as I am not allowed to tell anyone just yet - not until after it has happened. But what I can say is that about a month ago I started having this gut feeling that something was going to happen that would prevent me from making the rainforest. I also had a dream whereby I saw all the trees that I have planted being cut down. The trees were fully grown in the dream. In real life they are barely still a foot tall. With the combination of the gut feeling and the dream I learnt yesterday of what was preventing the rainforest to be built/grown from scratch. It has left me disheartened to say the least and just one more thing that will never be completed.
But this is only just one example of how my ambitions/dreams go from a reality to nothing - due to circumstances changing - in just a short period of time. And this is why I am never able to succeed at anything in life that I personally want to achieve!
Maybe I am going about everything wrong? Maybe I should just ignore all my dreams/ambitions/ideas and just do what everyone else does? I do know for a fact that the moment I emotionally attach myself to a project/idea/person, that project/idea/person is made redundant, incapable of me fulfilling it, or the person leaves or dies. I am struggling to find a way around this problem so I can succeed at something. I do know that if I personally don't come up with an idea myself then making that idea happen usually is successful at me completing it. However, completing the idea leaves me feeling resentful as it usually is not something I want to do. But either way I put all my effort and energy into completing the task, and it usually is completed within a short period of time.
I wish I could say the same thing for what I want to do in life. Life seems to have a hold on me whereby if I want to achieve something for myself it will never happen and never be fulfilled no matter how hard and long I try at fulfilling it to make it happen. My own life is a no-win situation. For other people - it's a win-win situation.
I have noticed that when I do succeed at completing something I originally start out feeling resentful and the fact it is for someone else, not for me personally. Maybe if I apply this same thing to what I want to do, then I may actually succeed at something.
I am only 47 years old and I still have many things I want to achieve in life. Whether they are for selfish reasons or not I still want to achieve them. I want things that other people have, like my own home. It is nothing too much to ask for but trying to obtain my own home from nothing is impossible. I need to find the correct solution in order to achieve this, so I can hand it down to my daughter when I die.
Here is some irony for you. Even though I cannot achieve anything I personally want for myself, except for my most basic needs, I am capable of achieving almost anything for my daughter. It seems I am capable of getting her almost anything that she asks for, no matter what the price. She's never asked me for a house yet.
I just need to do some more thinking about this and come up with a new strategy for obtaining what I really want.
What I want to write down is something a little closer to home, my passions in life and my goals in life. My head is always full of goals that I want to fulfill but something usually stops me from completing them. It is not me that stops myself rather the circumstances surrounding my goal/ambition in the first place.
For example, some time ago I got the idea to make a rainforest in my neighbour's paddock. I got my neighbour's approval but just before the paddock started getting planted with actual rainforest type trees something happened. I can't discuss what happened right now as I am not allowed to tell anyone just yet - not until after it has happened. But what I can say is that about a month ago I started having this gut feeling that something was going to happen that would prevent me from making the rainforest. I also had a dream whereby I saw all the trees that I have planted being cut down. The trees were fully grown in the dream. In real life they are barely still a foot tall. With the combination of the gut feeling and the dream I learnt yesterday of what was preventing the rainforest to be built/grown from scratch. It has left me disheartened to say the least and just one more thing that will never be completed.
But this is only just one example of how my ambitions/dreams go from a reality to nothing - due to circumstances changing - in just a short period of time. And this is why I am never able to succeed at anything in life that I personally want to achieve!
Maybe I am going about everything wrong? Maybe I should just ignore all my dreams/ambitions/ideas and just do what everyone else does? I do know for a fact that the moment I emotionally attach myself to a project/idea/person, that project/idea/person is made redundant, incapable of me fulfilling it, or the person leaves or dies. I am struggling to find a way around this problem so I can succeed at something. I do know that if I personally don't come up with an idea myself then making that idea happen usually is successful at me completing it. However, completing the idea leaves me feeling resentful as it usually is not something I want to do. But either way I put all my effort and energy into completing the task, and it usually is completed within a short period of time.
I wish I could say the same thing for what I want to do in life. Life seems to have a hold on me whereby if I want to achieve something for myself it will never happen and never be fulfilled no matter how hard and long I try at fulfilling it to make it happen. My own life is a no-win situation. For other people - it's a win-win situation.
I have noticed that when I do succeed at completing something I originally start out feeling resentful and the fact it is for someone else, not for me personally. Maybe if I apply this same thing to what I want to do, then I may actually succeed at something.
I am only 47 years old and I still have many things I want to achieve in life. Whether they are for selfish reasons or not I still want to achieve them. I want things that other people have, like my own home. It is nothing too much to ask for but trying to obtain my own home from nothing is impossible. I need to find the correct solution in order to achieve this, so I can hand it down to my daughter when I die.
Here is some irony for you. Even though I cannot achieve anything I personally want for myself, except for my most basic needs, I am capable of achieving almost anything for my daughter. It seems I am capable of getting her almost anything that she asks for, no matter what the price. She's never asked me for a house yet.
I just need to do some more thinking about this and come up with a new strategy for obtaining what I really want.
